Only when drenched in water do the fuzzy spikes flatten forward like an overhang for my forehead. An odd divot does form when I wear headphones for an extended amount of time. Otherwise, spikiness.
Sporting this untrimmed short do allows me to be privy to children's gender identification qualifications. This summer I have been working with elementary-aged students and I have confused some of them. I have been asked if I was a boy and then watched the surprise and wide-eyed wonder as I reveal that I am, in fact, a girl. Then, I am usually asked why my hair is so short.
My decision to shave my head does not make much sense to the students I work with, especially in the mostly Dominican-American culture in which they are raised. Most of the girls have hair that's grown well-past their shoulders, usually braided or tied back in one manner or another. Some of the girls are taught that girls wear their hair braided up while women wear their hair down. All of the boys and men have clean, short hair cuts. Considering I possess neither standard gendered hair styles, my hair is just kinda weird.
Of course, after verbally confirming my girl-hood, the kids more or less shrug their shoulders and carry on with their lives, only after discovering how enticingly fuzzy my hair is. Every day I will have at least one student who walks up to me and just starts petting my head. No salutation, just petting.
I cannot say that I walk around with unfettered confidence in who I am (and where I is and what I be...) regardless of the state of my hair. At times I feel like it would be easier to have a conventional hair length, like longer hair would make it easier to feel pretty or look pretty. Dare I speak of insecurity? Absolutely. I do not regret my decision to shave my head, but I definitely have the constant desire to fit in with feminine "normalcy".
I like being a "good" kind of normal and a "good" kind of different. Recently I was confronted with the reality that I am not as confident as I think myself to be. I try so much to maintain my own kind of "cool weird normal-ness" in a continuous effort to gain acceptance from the people around me. I rely on responsive laughter and verbal affirmations to gauge how "acceptable" I am being in any given social situation. When others don't react in a way I think is "accepting of me", I label them in my mind as either "not fun" or I label myself as "somehow lacking". Really, neither labeling is great because I either unfairly judge or put myself down.
I find myself having to remind myself of a the greater, ultimately unchanging confidence that I have in Christ. Judging my value or worth based on my perception of other's opinions of me will always be an emotional roller coaster. One day I will be on top of the world in thinking that I have successfully been cool to everyone I encountered and the next I will be discouraged thinking that I have committed some ridiculous faux pas. I know this will be a life-long struggle, but I have great hope in God's unwavering love and Christ's eternal redemption.
In His vast love, His fathomless grace, and His indescribable mercy, God removed my penalty of death for my irrevocable sin and place that penalty of death upon Himself. As His child, God values me beyond what any one person could value me. He has created me specifically and beautifully. My true identity lies beyond what anyone in this world could label me as and lies beyond anything I could label myself.
So when I beat myself up, or feel like a social failure, or think I lack beauty because of my short hair, I come to remind myself that I am ultimately not defined by the labels of this world. I am a child of God, heir with Christ, beloved as a member of the body of the Church, fearfully and wonderfully made, and a sinner no longer condemned but ultimately redeemed.
"For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, "Abba! Father!" The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs - heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him." [Romans 8:15-17]
"But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ..." [Philippians 3: 7-8]
