Hair Update 5: On Bravery

The picture above shows six months and two and a half weeks post-shave. I have cultivated a hair helmet. Look out world, I'm on my way to a Beiber swoop + mullet combo.

At its current length, my hair suggests a recent hair cut as opposed to a full head shave. So when I inform people that my current style is a post-shave result, I have often been told that I am brave for shaving off my hair. I then thank them for thinking so and we carry on with our conversation.

I do not think I was brave to shave my hair. To be brave is to face something that carries a certain amount of risk, danger, or fear; it is to be courageous, to stand firmly in one's convictions in the face of uncertainty and opposition. When I shaved my head, I was surrounded by the support and encouragement of my family and friends. I faced very little danger to my being, or my reputation, or my relationships. I did not have to worry about rejection or being ostracized. My greatest concern probably lay in the realm of exposing a potentially oddly-shaped scalp.

Rather than being brave, I would say that my decision was bold, daring, unconventional, youthful, or experimental. I have had the blessing to say that I did not require bravery to go bald. I was not faced with a medical diagnosis. I did not have to anticipate a societal backlash. I did not have to act in any sort of rebellion. I simply had the luxury to make a decision and follow it through.

For someone else, shaving their head may be an incredibly brave act. In my case, I cannot make that claim. I can only be thankful for the social environment I live in that makes it possible for me to make such a decision so fearlessly.

Hair Update 4

After four months and three some weeks of growth, my natural part is starting to show. My part evades any attempts of alteration and has decided that a middle part and only a middle part will do.

If you were wondering how exactly to evaluate my current hair style, I humbly offer the following three part analysis:
1. The Half Bangs: not quite long enough to fall gracefully upon my forehead, these only show their true length potential when I don a beanie.
2. The Ear Flaps: cleverly disguising my ears, these modest side-burn extensions serve as a wire-y barrier between my head and my headphones.
3. The Back Shag: hinting towards a mullet, this waterfall of layers threatens to defy gravity with varying styles of bedhead.

Basically, my hair is developing into a mullet. Come January, my ears, forehead, and neck will have extra insulation to resist the chilly winter winds.

My Hair Grow

Having fully commenced the school year, I have received many compliments regarding my "new hair cut". Usually the comment is so fleeting, I only have time to say thanks, but, sometimes, I get to explain that my new do is more of a hair grow than a hair cut.

So far, I have decided to grow my hair out, au natural, for a full year from my initial shave. For the duration of my senior year, until May 3, 2016, I will let my hair flourish untamed as it likes. The only reason I will cut my hair before then is if it impedes in my search for a job. Hair does significantly determine one's overall image and in the professional world, I suppose image does matter. And because I care about paying my student debts, I will cut my hair if I have to. 

Otherwise, prepare yourselves for increasingly awkward, totally natural hair styles. I have yet to purchase any styling gel or mousse, though I may experiment just for fun. I look forward to the sculptural forms of bed head, my developing mullet, the inevitable bangs of unfortunate shortness and all other things that would make a hair-stylist cringe. 

Let us see what craziness awaits!

Hair Update 3 (and other thoughts)

More than twelve weeks have passed and my hair continues to defy gravity.

Only when drenched in water do the fuzzy spikes flatten forward like an overhang for my forehead. An odd divot does form when I wear headphones for an extended amount of time. Otherwise, spikiness.

Sporting this untrimmed short do allows me to be privy to children's gender identification qualifications. This summer I have been working with elementary-aged students and I have confused some of them. I have been asked if I was a boy and then watched the surprise and wide-eyed wonder as I reveal that I am, in fact, a girl. Then, I am usually asked why my hair is so short.

My decision to shave my head does not make much sense to the students I work with, especially in the mostly Dominican-American culture in which they are raised. Most of the girls have hair that's grown well-past their shoulders, usually braided or tied back in one manner or another. Some of the girls are taught that girls wear their hair braided up while women wear their hair down. All of the boys and men have clean, short hair cuts. Considering I possess neither standard gendered hair styles, my hair is just kinda weird.

Of course, after verbally confirming my girl-hood, the kids more or less shrug their shoulders and carry on with their lives, only after discovering how enticingly fuzzy my hair is. Every day I will have at least one student who walks up to me and just starts petting my head. No salutation, just petting.

I cannot say that I walk around with unfettered confidence in who I am (and where I is and what I be...) regardless of the state of my hair. At times I feel like it would be easier to have a conventional hair length, like longer hair would make it easier to feel pretty or look pretty. Dare I speak of insecurity? Absolutely. I do not regret my decision to shave my head, but I definitely have the constant desire to fit in with feminine "normalcy".

I like being a "good" kind of normal and a "good" kind of different. Recently I was confronted with the reality that I am not as confident as I think myself to be. I try so much to maintain my own kind of "cool weird normal-ness" in a continuous effort to gain acceptance from the people around me. I rely on responsive laughter and verbal affirmations to gauge how "acceptable" I am being in any given social situation. When others don't react in a way I think is "accepting of me", I label them in my mind as either "not fun" or I label myself as "somehow lacking". Really, neither labeling is great because I either unfairly judge or put myself down.

I find myself having to remind myself of a the greater, ultimately unchanging confidence that I have in Christ. Judging my value or worth based on my perception of other's opinions of me will always be an emotional roller coaster. One day I will be on top of the world in thinking that I have successfully been cool to everyone I encountered and the next I will be discouraged thinking that I have committed some ridiculous faux pas. I know this will be a life-long struggle, but I have great hope in God's unwavering love and Christ's eternal redemption.

In His vast love, His fathomless grace, and His indescribable mercy, God removed my penalty of death for my irrevocable sin and place that penalty of death upon Himself. As His child, God values me beyond what any one person could value me. He has created me specifically and beautifully. My true identity lies beyond what anyone in this world could label me as and lies beyond anything I could label myself.

So when I beat myself up, or feel like a social failure, or think I lack beauty because of my short hair, I come to remind myself that I am ultimately not defined by the labels of this world. I am a child of God, heir with Christ, beloved as a member of the body of the Church, fearfully and wonderfully made, and a sinner no longer condemned but ultimately redeemed.

"For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, "Abba! Father!" The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs - heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him."                                                                  [Romans 8:15-17]

"But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ..."         [Philippians 3: 7-8] 

Hair Update 2

Six weeks and two days later, and I've only been mistaken for a boy twice. Occasionally my mother affectionately tells me I look like an Asian middle school boy. Yes, the boy-ish looking stage has begun.

The summer has also begun, in earnest, allowing me to witness my sweat glisten on my scalp as well as my forehead, something I've never been able to see before. My head now maintains the healthy appearance of a Chia pet. I have never really sought out similarities with our current president, Barak Obama, but I couldn't help to find this one:

My hair is not quite as long as the green sprouts upon Chia Obama's head, but it's getting there. Currently it's about a half inch short. According to my calculations, I should have about four inches of hair next year, just long enough for a eyebrow-length bowl cut of sorts. Oh, the possibilities. 

I'm not sure how long my hair will have to be before it transitions from spiky afro to an unevenly layered shag. Only time will tell. Onwards to the endless potential of naturally odd hair styles!

Itchy Grass

My beard-capable friends warned me of the itchiness that comes with post-shave hair growth. And I thought I would be spared of such an inconvenience. The first two or so weeks passed itch free. I felt confident, proud of my sprouting scalp, and congratulated myself for having such amiable hair follicles.

Such bliss came to an end, and, for the past two weeks, my hair has been like a batch of itchy grass. Does it matter that I took a shower three hours before? Nope. Cleanliness deters the itchiness of mine head only for a moment before the itchiness begins again. I have resigned myself to my fate, hoping that once my hair grows out more, my scalp will find itself to be more agreeable.

For now, my coping strategy (or non-coping strategy) include jamming a baseball cap on my head, taking off said baseball cap and rubbing my head to relieve itchiness, putting baseball cap back on with reminder for self-control and endurance, and sighing at my scalp-beard-like predicament. .

Perhaps the next centimeter of growth will be more agreeable.

Hair Update 1

A full week and two days have passed since I shaved all my hair off and it has been growing back rather nicely.

Here are some of the perks of the shaved head life:

1.  Super quick showers (because who needs shampoo?)
2. Minimal/ Unnoticeable shedding (the hairbrush hairball is no more!)
3. Low maintenance (no bad hair days, nothing to tie back, nothing to snag in chairs, zippers, glasses...kind of like the cape-less superhero life that Edna Mode endorses)
4. The fuzziness (the growing hairs are soft and fuzzy...as long as you go with the grain)

As it grows longer, my hair is losing its Velcro-like qualities. The "longer" hair also helps with heat retention so my head isn't as cold when it feels that passing breeze of A/C. In terms of personal impressions of my life post-shave, I feel simultaneously trendier and more demure. Removing my hair has made me more aware of my physicality and how I express myself through what I wear. I used hair styling to help define my look and express mood, wakefulness and formality. Hair does a lot to create a general silhouette and proportion the body. Now that my hair has been minimized, I feel more acutely how my wardrobe affects the kind of visual impression I make. A part of me feels more pressured, as well as more confident, to be "more fashionable," as if to justify the "artistic" decision to shave my head, while the more practical side of me just wants to make sure my proportions aren't off.

Along with feeling more conscious about my clothing, I am much less aware of my hair. I don't feel any different as myself, having a shaved head, and only notice the difference when I look at myself in the mirror or when someone comments on it. As mentioned before, it's extremely low-maintenance; so I don't have to worry if my part looks weird or if I have hairs sticking awkwardly out of a bun or if a braid has gone awry. The amount of attention I used to spend maintaining my hair is now diverted elsewhere, which is kind of nice in the moments I realize, "oh, I haven't been worrying about my hair."The decreased attention to hair plus my wearing head scarves from time to time sometimes makes me feel a bit demure. Multiple cultures implement some sort of head-covering to imply humility or modesty. I guess I get some feeling of that with removing the distractions of hair styling and the occasional head scarf covering.

Examining my impressions of my shaved head exemplifies one of the many ways my physical appearance impacts my perception of myself and of how others view me. We'll see how they change as I let my hair continue to grow out. My guess is that once it gets to about an inch, I'll start looking like a Korean middle-school boy. Oh, the joys of short hair. :)

What I Did With My Hair

Today I finally packaged my many mini ponytails to donate to Pantene Beautiful Lengths. Even though my hair was just past shoulder length, most of it measured past the required 8 inches; perks of a close cut, I suppose.

This will be the third donation I've sent to Pantene Beautiful Lengths. Whoo!

Timelapse

Couldn't come to The Buzz? Wish you could have witnessed the greatest shaving event of my lifetime? Well, weep no more and watch this time lapse of the whole shebang!
All credits and many thanks given to Daniel Pinelli.

Important highlights to look out for:

1. The asymmetrical, K-pop-esque hair cut
2. The 1-inch length shave (which everyone proceeds to pet)
3. The mohawk + remnant side part
4. The side shave designs
5. The removal of the mohawk (if you watch closely, you'll catch the various emoticons that take shape on top of my head. At one point, a goatee is involved)
6. The fledgling wings (thanks, mom...)
7. The shaving cream maccaroons (perhaps one of the only times my head will smell like a newly shaved beard)

Please, enjoy!

Reactions

Day 3 after The Buzz has come and gone and the reactions I've received have all been quite positive. Granted, I was still in the college environment where one may witness braided dreads, a pink frosted mohawk, and a half-shaved look walk by on separate occasions while people-watching for a couple minutes in the dining hall.

In pure shaved-head form, I have been said to resemble a Tibetan Buddhist nun, an airbender and, most recently, a lightbulb, courtesy of my ever-flattering and loving mother.

Tibetan Buddhist nuns

Aang

Lightbulb

I am thankful for the supporting feedback various people have given me. General complements have included remarks that the look works for me (and my personality), that I have a shapely head (which my mother readily takes credit for), and that I'm a little crazy but brave. The most common questions I've been asked are "Why?" and something along the lines of "How did your parents react?". I suspect that an overarching assumption is that my drastic hair styling decision was partially a move of rebellion against authority; a young adult declaration that I am my own being of human! I have fun describing how my parents made the first cut of hair and how my dad took care of wielding shaving cream and razor to ensure a clean-shaven scalp.

At this point, my hair has grown back enough that it feels kind of fuzzy. I haven't felt any more or less like myself since I shaved all my hair off, but I do have a tendency to rub the top of my head frequently because of how interesting it feels. The longer the hair grows out of my scalp, the more my hair line is accentuated; perhaps the only time my "sideburns" will be noticeable. Another characteristic my hair has developed besides the fuzziness, is its increased Velcro powers. I can now wear a beanie without fear of someone snatching it off my head. Why? Because no matter how hard I yank the beanie, the hairs are just long enough to keep it firmly in place. Beanie theft prevention tactic #53: Shave your head.

Tomorrow I may wake up with enhanced fuzziness and beanie-wearing abilities. Who knows what other power-ups my growing hair may hold?

Handkerchiefs and Velcro

My head is kind of like Velcro. In trying to tie various configurations of head scarves, I quickly discovered that the fabric would catch on the minimal hairs poking up from my scalp. As smooth as my head looks post-shave, it feels more like a gentle sandpaper.

Because the sandpapery Velcro-like state of my head, I figured that if I tied a handkerchief around my head first and then placed whatever else on top, adjustments could be made much more easily. Currently I've got a "100% silk" green to blue ombre Gap handkerchief (one that my mother graciously bought for me for $1.00 after noticing a middle-school me eye it longingly at the check-out line) tied underneath a beanie I wear to keep my head warm as I sleep.

Fast forward to the next morning, post brunch and I sit on a stone wall in the shade of a wonderfully warm May day. I woke up this morning to see my hair had visibly grown from when I last saw it, an estimated one millimeter! (probably still shorter than that) Regardless, the silky smoothness of my scalp is slowly becoming a dome of prickliness, the multitude of hairs springing up like a forest landscape composed of only tree trunks and no branches. Soon enough, I'll either have to layer handkerchiefs to keep the Velcro effect at bay or artfully manage the snagging hairs.

The Buzz

Today (5/2/15) I got all my hair shaved off. 
Having been born with a full head of hair, I have never been effectively bald until today. 
A tumble of whimsical curls grew into a thick bunch of relentless straightness, which my mother tried to tame with a variety of hair styles, ranging from bangs to curly perms to bobs. From what I recall, the history of my hair was rather experimental in elementary school. Then the excitement factor of my hair reached a plateau in my years of adolescence as I settled into the groove of hair norms. 

Though I let my hair grow out naturally with hair cuts here and there, I think I had a developing streak of daring in me. Sophomore year in high school, I cut 13 inches of hair into a short bob that ended at the bottom of my ears; pretty short for me but still within the boundaries of "normal". Sophomore year of college I entertained the idea of getting a pixie cut, but ended up growing my hair out to the longest it's ever been. So, naturally, this year I decided to shave it all off.

Sometime in April I proclaimed my growing fancy to my friends, discussed the implied craziness, thought about my reasons and the practicalities. For about a month, I let the idea settle in my mind and, despite some of the surrounding doubt, it flourished into conviction. The possibility of shaving all my hair off grew even stronger as I got the okay from my summer intern supervisor and my parents.

With only finals week between me and a cleanly shaven head, I metaphorically sat myself down and thought through why exactly I wanted to shave my head. I wanted to do it because I simply just wanted to; now was the time as I was in college and had one more year to go before having to search for a job. I wanted to do it because I had stopped myself from getting pixie cut last year; something about girls being more attractive with long hair, which is sort of silly but very much real life. And I wanted to do it as a personal social experiment; an examination of how people who knew me and didn't know me would react to me and treat me differently due to my physical appearance.

So far I have no regrets. I sit on my bed with a beanie on my newly shaven head not out of shame but because my head is cold. Turns out that once all the hair on one's head is gone, the scalp is exposed to sensations of wind and air it has never been privy to, thus, even the slightest breeze makes it feel cold. I've learned that my scalp feels like skin (woah, what?) and, as long as you don't go against the grain of my hair, it feels like one continuous forehead (or neck, depending on what perspective you would like to take). I've also learned that I have a few moles, a birthmark at the back of my head, and a tan line where my side part used to be. The rest of my scalp is shockingly pale with a sheen of greyish blue due to the my densely packed hair follicles. I'm looking forward to watching how the state of my scalp transforms over the next couple of months. 

I've started this blog in order to chronicle my thoughts on the shaved-head life and the various reactions I garner in my day-to-day life. As the informal social experiment this is, I figured I should have some sort of record to keep me accountable to being in the observational mindset. So, here it is!

I will admit that I probably would not have been able to make this decision so confidently without the immense social support I received from my parents and friends. I have been so blessed, so incredibly blessed to have friends who care and love for me well, who will laugh with me (and laugh at me in healthy portions...sometimes I need the humility...or pronunciation help), and who will still be my friends regardless of the state of my hair. I am thankful for my parents for their gracious and loving support, always coming with a good dosage of humor. 

Thank you, dear friends, near and afar, for each of your words of encouragement and acceptance. Thank you, Mom and Dad, for loving me through all the peculiar and exciting ways I have come into my own. And Thank you, Lord, for all your bountiful blessings and goodness to me.